Who will fix me now?

Forget this healthy eating rainbow food and pass me the cake and anything and everything deep fried, because honestly, i’ve had enough.

Welcome back to my little corner of the internet. Long story short,I am FED UP…

I say long story short, like i’m not going to explain my entire battle since what feels like forever.. but it’s actually probably just a few months, but since lock down, it feels like it’s been a whole lot worst..

I work a lot, like A LOT – and i absolutely love it and wouldn’t change it for the world. I work in events and promote and host them and i honestly absolutely love it, i have the best team you can dream of – even if i am the only girl. I also work full time in hair and beauty, plus blogging, content creating and currently finishing 2 courses to qualify me and pass me for some really random stuff that i never thought i’d do.. but anyway…

So, Lock down, I have no clue of how to explain this, but maybe it’s been a blessing in disguise? The fact i work a lot means i never ‘STOP’. I don’t like stopping and i like jumping from one work to another, it’s my thing.

Throughout lockdown, and just before I felt really, really run down and just assumed i was tired and needed a good sleep. I was seeing someone new and was up until late messaging them, along with everything else i would usually do.

The start of lock down i had COVID-19. Luckily, i didn’t really have any symptoms other than being tired, run down, achey and i completely lost my sense of smell (which still isn’t back over 3 months later.. but according to my doctor, apparently it cant take up to 12 months! Mad isn’t it?!)

A few weeks ago, i finally saw one of my best friends (2m apart, obviously) and he said i wasn’t right, we picked up food and sat in the garden with my mom and step dad. I hadn’t really put makeup on but seeing JB and a actually leaving the house was bliss, i was SO excited.
I knew i’d been feeling really off and poorly, but i’d called the doctors a few weeks before and after a less than one minute phone call, they put me on a high dosage of anti depressants and sleeping tablets. To say these didn’t work nor did they agree with my body and stomach.. is an understatement. I rang the doctors and they said to keep taking them, i explained i was coming off them and would deal with the migraines, anxiety and every other symptom the best i could with things i could get over the counter.


The night i saw JB, i ended up in A&E… I was vomiting blood and i ACHED.

To say A&E is terrifying in lockdown, is an understatement. It’s terrifying, and i was put in what could only be described as a glass room / bubble.

The doctors and nurses were absolutely amazing and you could tell that they were tired, scared and just flat out exhausted too.

A few days before A&E, i really didn’t feel right, I felt heavy, my anxiety had been through the roof and i’d almost passed out in the shower…

Once i was in A&E, i had lots of tests and was discharged around 4am. I went home, and i finally slept for a few days. I was talking to Will, Jade, Alex, Elise and Caitlin as much as i could, but i was struggling every time I looked at my phone or a screen.
I’d wake up in the morning and the TV would still be on from the night before, but it would be on pause, it would stay like that for the entire day and i’d simply spend the day staring at my ceiling trying to make the migraines and aches go away…

About 3 weeks ago, it got BAD, and i can honestly say i’ve never felt so poorly in my life, but i didn’t want to worry anyone so i played it down, a lot. Will & my family knew i wasn’t 100% but i played down on poorly i felt – every morning it was the same thing that would go on all day –

  • Exhausted even if i’d slept well.
  • Dragging my right leg to the bathroom every morning – i didn’t have the energy to lift it.
  • Getting out the shower, feeling kinda normal until i brushed my teeth and had to sit on the floor to cool down..
  • Sitting in a towel, going dizzy, red hot, and my heart racing..
  • Almost passing out
  • Everything aching… every muscle in my entire body.
  • Swollen eyes, to the point they look like my eyeballs are going to fall out..
  • Room constantly spinning
  • Not being able to concentrate on anything what so ever
  • Losing weight (i’ve lost nearly 2 stone since the start of lockdown.. and i really didn’t have weight to lose…)
  • The shakes for hours .. to the point I can’t even cut my own food..
  • Deep scratches, that appear everywhere to the point i’m covered.
  • ITCHY. Body feels like its on fire.
  • Ache. Everything aches, all the time.
  • Anxiety through the roof to the point if anything went a different way in the morning when i was getting ready, i full on break down would come…

and literally so many more that i can’t even remember them..

You know that feeling, when you’re trying not to cry, and you hold it to the point your throat hurts – it’s that, all day, everyday.

I called the doctor again and explained, and he just didn’t listen in the slightest, I explained about my graves disease and my thyroid and he completely shrugged it off and put me on some other medication – that i didn’t even bother to pick up because this guy was just not listening.

The phone calls were lasting less than 2 minutes, how can you diagnose someone over the phone in less than 2 minutes?

I understand were in a pandemic, but come on..

(i’m frustrated.)

I gave up and left it a few days and played it down as much as physically possible, i was googling symptoms because at my last consultation for my thyroid they said ” it’s very rare for it to be an issue again once it’s treated in the way yours is being treated in”.

This was November – January time.

Last Friday i gave up, it got to the point where i was honestly questioning my own sanity and if it was in my head – ( the last time there was something wrong the receptionist at the doctors wouldn’t book me in for weeks and made out it was in my head… It wasn’t.)

So… I rang the doctors.. AND FINALLY someone actually looked at my notes! They saw my graves disease and said that it shouldn’t be that, but we’ll get some blood tests and Yesterday i had my tests, lots and LOTS of blood tests, weight checked (shock i’m underweight), blood pressure and some other stuff.. i can’t really remember what because although i have 99 tattoos.. i cannot do needles or blood… It’s very likely that i will pass out..

This morning, by 10am we’d been back and forth and after around 8 phone calls, 3 different phones between me and them.. i got results.

The last time i was poorly my T4 level was 72 .. it’s meant to be between 9-10..

This morning i was told it was 118.6.. instead of between 9-10.

I love the NHS, i appreciated the NHS – and i absolutely understand they are understaffed and we’re in the middle of a pandemic and theres bigger things than my health happening right now –

BUT it’s now got to the point where i questioned my own sanity.. and if this was now normal.. And all of this could have been dealt with months / weeks ago..

If someone had taken 30 seconds and read my notes. I’ve seen my notes, it says GRAVES DISEASE at the top. It would have taken literally, 30 seconds and little effort and i wouldn’t have felt this low, worthless.. and basically insane.

I’m picking up medication tomorrow – medication thats for someone that weighs at least double of my weight, because they’re worried about my T4 levels as they’re dangerous..

As soon as i got results, I went for a shower and i cried.. not even sad cry, or happy cry.. just relief that i’m not insane.

YOU know your own body, so if something is wrong, ask for a second, third, fourth opinion – I should have and if i had i wouldn’t be i the mess i am right now..

I’ve tried to play it down so much to absolutely everyone i’m close with or in contact with that knows i don’t feel 100%.. but i can’t actually explain how just SHIT i feel.

Rant over, I honestly do appreciate the NHS… but right now, i’m kinda confused and angry and honestly? I don’t have the energy for it.

I just wanna eat carbs, not ache, watch netflix and sleep. Please?

So.. hows your lock down?

Bees xo

Motivation? What Motivation…?

Hey & welcome back to my little corner of the internet. Staying motivated at a time like this can be and seem incredibly difficult. ‘Working from home’ always seemed like such an exciting and nice idea, until it was forced upon us and a huge number of people, and staying motivated when you’re out of your comfort zone isn’t easy for any of us.

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So whether you’re working from home, on furlough, are self-employed like myself or one of the key workers doing all you can to keep us going and to keep us safe – I hope this post might help you, or writing it may just be helping me – I’ve been working in events for 10+ years, running around and doing as much by myself rather than asking others for help, so no events is seeming pretty crazy for me. I also own a hair and beauty studio so i am self-employed too, my studio had to close at the start of the lock down and i’m really, really missing it. All this sounds good right? It is its amazing.. And you’ll be alarmed to learn and understand, that I absolutely do not have my shit together.

“Then why TF are you offering us advice?” – Lets be honest, i’m asking myself the same thing..

But anyway, heres my tips –

Okay that might sound  simple. But when your normal routine is full on destroyed, creating a new is never going to be easy? So whether you’re working or not working, planning yourself a routine is super imporant. Imagine if you were working outside of your home you would (probably) have a set routine, right? I.e. when you wake up, when you start work, lunchtime etc. etc. (I don’t, i’m the worst, I forget to eat daily…) but hey lets give it ago.. right?

  • Bed Time – This is important (coming from the person thats been staying up until 5am-7am every night and then sleeping in until 10am-11am.. But try and set a bed time, it’s really important, not having a bed time can totally wipe you out for the next day and being tired is a really easy reason to let yourself become unproductive.
  • Water – I try my best to get up and drink a glass of water before doing anything else (although I smashed my water cup, and i’m now also failing at this..) Try to make yourself a drink of your choice before looking at your phone, social media or watching the TV. Starting the day with this helps you fell like you have some sort of control.
  • Work outs – I try and do home work outs from an app on my phone, between 3 and 5 a day. Each work out is between 4 and 8 minutes long, it really helps to wake you up. If you’re having a “bad” day, don’t push yourself. Theres no need.
  • Breakfast, Lunch and Dinner – Try and plan what you’re going to eat before hand. This is easier and again, makes you feel like you have some sort of control. It also makes shopping easier and you can look forward to making dishes and you could try new recipes too.
  • Tasks – Get shit done, whatever it is – no matter how big or small it may seem.
  • Breathe – finish your day and relax. Start that bed time routine whenever you feel ready and get yourself ready for the next day.

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PLANS –

I use the notes on my phone and the little tick boxes.
I like making lists, everyone loves making lists right? No? Okay.. Just me!

I make lists every night of what i’m going to do the next day. Even stuff as small as getting up, having a shower, brush teeth etc – My Friday list consists of –

  • Wake Up
  • Work Out
  • Brush Teeth
  • Whiten Teeth
  • Shower
  • Fake Tan
  • Paint Nails
  • Do Hair
  • Do Make-Up
  • Walk
  • Come Home
  • Sort Snacks
  • Change Bed
  • Change into comfies / PJs
  • FaceTime friends / Watch Films / Netflix.

Seems like a really odd list right? Full of stuff I would just usually do anyway – but when you’ve ticked off all the boxes and complete the list – it’s kind of a weird sense of achievement and it helps you feel a lot better.

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Fresh Air –

I can’t stress this enough. For someone who struggles with their mental health and anxiety – working from home, isolating myself has been something that i’ve really struggled with.

I’m used to running around, keeping myself busy – too busy to realise i’m anxious or nervous about things because I just have too much to do.

I’m sure whilst we’re all stuck at home, we’re all craving being outside, and although that isn’t possible right now in the way it used to be, it’s okay to miss it. Make the most of that hour that you’re free to excessise. Walk, Run, Jog, Skip, Jump, Drive? Just leave the house for a change of scenery. – I’ve really struggled with this, and in the 6 weeks i’ve been home i’ve probably only left the house a grand total of say 10 times max, probably not even that.. Even though i know i feel better when i’ve left for a walk or drive and come back, the anxiety to actually to that can become really overwhelming.

Cut yourself some slack – 

We are only human, we’re not machines. You can’t just switch on and keep us on a repeat motion forever. Just don’t give yourself a hard time. We are all in this together, confused by completely unforeseen circumstances and what the future holds.  It’s all about just trying to learn how to adjust.

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I hope this helps even one of you, it’s helping me – It’s okay to be unproductive, productive, just be yourself and try your best, no one is asking anything more of you.

B xo

 

 

Self Isolation – Viral Meningitis.

Hi, hi, hi!

Welcome back to my little corner of the internet..

I’m stuck in for 14 days with viral meningitis (lethargic, irritability, nausea, eye fog, migraines, stiff neck, fever.. and the rest) which means not even a walk. I was really fed up for the first few days, but after seeing more and more stuff about COVID-19 i’ve learnt to look at this differently.

It isn’t “i’m stuck in my house” it’s more “I’m safe in my home”.

Are you getting more and more fed up with every post being about COVID-19? Me too. It’s not that i don’t care – because of course I do. It’s more that it’s quite simply – depressing.
I understand about self isolation and staying home, about staying safe – anyone that doesn’t understand at this point (unless you’re a key worker – huge shout out and thanks to you guys..) – then you’re nothing short of an idiot.

So, are you ready for the most pointless blog post of 2020?! – Here it is!

“Does any one have any Netflix recommendations whilst we’re ‘stuck’ inside?!”

Hey, Hi, Me, Over here! I do – Here’s what i’ve watched / am watching at the moment!

Series – What I could personally watch and re watch..

  1. Suits
    Watch Suits season 1-8 on Netflix - Watch Netflix abroad
  2. Dare Me
    Is Dare Me: Season 1 (2019) on Netflix United Kingdom?
  3. Gossip Girl
    OMFG: Why Everyone Is Still Obsessed With Gossip Girl | E! News UK
  4. Safe
    Safe | Netflix Official Site
  5. Stranger Things
    Stranger Things | Netflix Official Site
  6. Designated Survivor
    Designated Survivor (TV series) - Wikipedia
  7. Man hunt – Unabomber
    Manhunt | Netflix
  8. Locke & Key
    Netflix Releases 'Locke and Key' Premiere Date, Key Art – Variety
  9. The Good Place
    The Good Place - Rotten Tomatoes
  10. Fresh Meat
    Fresh Meat's Emotional Finale Was Painfully Real – The Internet ...
  11. Unbelievable
    Unbelievable Netflix Series Review: This story is very important
  12. How to get away with murder
    Watch How to Get Away with Murder TV Show - ABC.com
  13. Riverdale
    Riverdale season 5 release date | plot, cast, trailer - Radio Times
  14. Good Girls
    Good Girls' Season 2: Netflix Release Schedule - What's on Netflix
  15. The Stranger
    Netflix's New Crime Thriller The Stranger Is Now Available To ...
  16. Dynasty
    Dynasty – Show Description – CW Seattle

Films –

  1. Brain on Fire
    Is 'Brain on Fire' available to watch on Netflix in Australia or ...
  2. White House Down
    White House Down (2013) - Rotten Tomatoes
  3. All The Freckles in the world
    All the Freckles in the World | Netflix Official Site
  4. Paper Towns
    Paper Towns (2015) - IMDb
  5. A Simple Favour
    Netflix film review: A Simple Favour | VODzilla.co | Where to ...
  6. The Maze Runner
    Watch The Maze Runner | Prime Video
  7. The Perfect Date
    Reviews: Noah Centineo in 'The Perfect Date'; plus, three more ...
  8. Truth or Dare
    13 Engrossing Movies Like 'Truth or Dare' | ReelRundown
  9. Fantastic 4
    Fantastic Four (2015 film) - Wikipedia
  10. Divergent
    Divergent (film) - Wikipedia
  11. Click
    Click (2006 film) - Wikipedia
  12. Transformers
    Transformers: Age of Extinction - Wikipedia
  13. In The Shadow of the Moon
    In the Shadow of the Moon | Netflix Official Site
  14. Five Feet Apart
    Is 'Five Feet Apart' (2019) available to watch on UK Netflix ...
  15. The Kissing Booth
    The Kissing Booth (2018) - IMDb

Huge mixture right?!

What i’m currently watching ( whats in my list )-

  1. Riverdale – New episodes out in April.
    Riverdale season 5 release date | plot, cast, trailer - Radio Times
  2. Unorthodox
    Is Unorthodox: Limited Series (2020) on Netflix Philippines?
  3. Dare Me
    Is Dare Me: Season 1 (2019) on Netflix France?
  4. Power – I’ve tried watching this and couldn’t get into it, but promised a friend i’d try again…
    Power (TV Series 2014– ) - IMDb
  5. After
    After' (2019) Netflix Movie Release Schedule (US & International ...
  6. Clarence – It’s so bad that it’s good..
    Clarence | Free online games and video | Cartoon Network
  7. Friday Night Dinner
    Friday Night Dinner writer reveals why Wilson had to die - Radio Times
  8. Bad Education
    Bad Education - what time is it on TV? Episode 1 Series 1 cast ...
  9. The Good Place
    The Good Place (TV Series 2016–2020) - IMDb
  10. I am not okay with this

I Am Not Okay with This (TV Series 2020– ) - IMDb

Have you seen that if you download Disney + you get a 7 day free trial?! I’m currently working my way through ALL the Marvel films in order with a friend. We’ve done 3 films at the moment, but we’ll get there!

As explained – the most boring blog post.. but it kept me busy for a few hours so, it was worth it.

I’m starting a “home work out” tomorrow.. terrified? Yep! I’ll let you know how it goes..

Let me know what you’re watching & don’t forget to message me your recommendations too!

B x 

 

 

 

You need to get OUT of bed.

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but turn off the news. Move your body, read a book and write down 3 things that you’re thankful for.

Long time no blog post, right?
With everything thats going on right now, I have a lot of free time.. So welcome back to my little corner of the internet..

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This is going to be really badly written and i’m probably going to blabber on and repeat myself too..

It’s impossible for you not to have seen anything about CONVID-19 on social media, the news, papers, it’s everywhere.

I’m used to working 3 jobs and constantly being on the go, but yesterday was day one of self isolation – and yesterday i had a really, really unproductive day, and i’ll be clear about it – I felt like shit.

I’m all for a Netflix and chill day on a day off.  I LOVE Netflix, and one of my friends just introduced me to Amazon prime movie wise too (even with being a prime ambassador i’d never used it, didn’t even think to look – I know, awful rep!)

I had a pretty productive weekend, but yesterday I was in a rut. I was bored.
I totally understand why self isolation is so important – I have graves disease, so I’m high risk but thought i’d been doing what I needed to do to keep myself and people around me safe – I was totally wrong.

So after my entire day in bed yesterday or just around my bedroom i was bored, fed up and overthinking. (Luckily i have people in my life that help me get out of the rut, check on your friends.. it’s important).

I guess what i’m trying to say is, it’s okay to spend days watching TV, Netflix, Play games, but you need to be productive and not fall into a bad place.

I went to bed in the worst mood last night but woke up to a handful of messages including puppy videos, “morning angel” messages and other messages telling me to stay safe – and it completely changed my mindset.
It’s so easy to fall into a rut, it doesn’t mean your lazy, but in my opinion, if you can stay active, you should. I’m not talking about meeting up with friends, or going out when you don’t need to.

Just try some of these ideas:

  • Get out of bed
  • Shower
  • Eat breakfast / Lunch
  • Read a book
  • Watch TV / Netflix
  • Start a Blog ( I can help with this!)
  • Clean your wardrobe (If you know me, you know full well this is a last resort for me..)
  • Cook
  • Learn to Bake
  • Read Blogs – a lot goes into a blog you know? When was the last time you read something instead of watching it on youtube?
  • Search Hashtags on instagram for things you’re interested in – you’ll be amazed how much comes up.
  • Make a mood board – I love a mood board.
  • Talk to your friends.
  • Play games – Xbox, Ps4, Switch – or like me, good old Sims..
  • Meal Prep
  • Home work outs
  • Make a Music Play list
  • Board games
  • Learn an online course
  • Colour! – When was the last time you coloured in for no reason?
  • Go for a walk – WITH Social distancing
  • Work on the garden
  • Support a small business
  • Call a friend
  • Write a list of things to do when you’re feeling better
  • Stay Hydrated

You just NEED to get out of bed.

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It’s okay to be scared, to be anxious, to be uncertain. Lets be honest, nobody knows whats going on right now.

Try managing your anxiety –

  • Avoid excessive exposure to media coverage
  • Connect trough calls, internet, texts.
  • Add Extra time for daily stress relief.
  • Practise self care*

Create a self care routine –

  • Get out of bed
  • Shower
  • Pick an outfit
  • Eat – Remember to eat.
  • Drink water
  • Skincare
  • Keep a diary

Everyone is in exactly the same boat of uncertainty. I’d do anything to see my friends and family right now, but I also realise that that could very easily put me into hospital – and let’s be honest; That isn’t fair on anyone.

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It’s okay if it takes time to make sense of all of this. We can ALL do something to help – we can stay at home.

 B xo 

You’re Dumped!

Welcome back to my little corner of the internet.. How’s life? I’m currently away for a couple of days and I feel like i’m getting back into blogging, posting and basically – getting my interest back in things that I actually want to do; and not just doing things i’ve been told to do, or working all the time.
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It’s safe to say (and pretty obvious from my lack of posts) that i’ve lost my blogging motivation. Every time I write or post I’m always like “Yeah, I’ve missed this, i’m totally going to start doing this weekly again”.. But then life gets in the way.

I’ve had what can only be described as one of the worst yet best years of my life so far, since January.

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Work wise, it’s amazing – I wouldn’t change a thing, both my little studio and event work are going incredible and I feel blessed on a daily basis… But personal wise? It couldn’t be more of the opposite.

I had a few what can only be described as “Shit” weeks / months, which I was pretty open about on my Instagram ( http://www.instagram.com/basicbee ) – And i’m not going to lie, although it’s been shit, I’ve realised who are and aren’t my friends and i’m finally feeling completely different about the situation now –

Since January i’ve realised my “circle” is a lot smaller now – and i’m absolutely fine with this. I find myself thinking that i’m missing out on things because i’m working, but actually, i’m not?

I’ll be the first to admit that i’m not the perfect friend, nor a perfect person – I make mistakes, i’m a human being.

..But I have little people following my every move now – and I’m someone they look up to & as much as I don’t want to admit it, I learn A LOT from my big sister about stuff like this.

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The last 9 months have pushed me beyond measure and i’m sad but honest enough to admit that i’ve let some people down. Some friendships have flourished and some have completely disappeared with not even a word said to one another now.

I’ve learnt that people that I thought were my friends probably weren’t even my friends to begin with. It’s pretty common knowledge that I was in a horrible relationship for 9-10 months around 3 years ago. I had two of what can only be described as the most amazing people on the planet supporting me to get out of that. Yet because of Chinese whispers and he said, she said, I no longer speak to either of them. One of them doesn’t deserve my time – and quite frankly, never did.. And the other? He decided to use what he knew against me.
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I’m 28 years old, my life isn’t a playground.. (And what you post on the internet and instagram isn’t always real life, but this is for another post..)

I learnt a lot because of this..

  • I learnt that sometimes people aren’t what they seem and people are going to let you down.  – It’s life, I sat for so long being more upset with this person than the entire situation altogether.
  • Don’t always be the person that tries to keep in touch with people. If they cared – they’d make the effort too. It takes 30 seconds to send a text.
  • Don’t break yourself for other people.
    I’ll drive hours to see my friendship group in Essex, i’d never change that for the world. I absolutely love my little breaks away with them. Yet theres people down the road that I don’t keep in touch with that I was once so close to.
  • Competition isn’t needed.
    If you’re doing good your friends should be cheering for you – and vice versa. You should be your friends biggest cheerleader and number one support.
    Don’t steel each others spot light, theres room for everyone.
  • The unsaid will fester.
    Be open with one another!
    Although saying this – This doesn’t mean you can be a complete dick to people.
    If somethings bothering you think about it before speaking up – Sometimes it’s just not worth the argument.
    Are you still going to be mad about this in 24 hours time?
  • Not every situation requires a response from you, save your breath, sometimes people’s ego’s are too big to realise what they’ve done in a situation when the blame is on them.

I’ve learnt a lot in the last 6-9 months. I can honestly say that i’ve put my trust in the wrong people. I didn’t believe in ghosting people before but now I do. My intention would never be to be nasty but I do believe everyone deserves time to think about their behaviour and actions.

I’m very open about the fact that I wear my heart on my sleeve but that doesn’t mean that i’ll just forgive and forget.

The last few months i’ve made it pretty clear about who I want and need in my life, and i’ve come to realise that I’d rather have less friends than loads of friends that turn out to not have my back.

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I haven’t got my life together, not even slightly, and i’ll admit i’m kind of lost at the moment too!
But for all of the drama and losing myself over the last few months, my motivation being in the wrong places and my confidence being shattered –

I’m done and I’m back.. Bees 2.0? Who knows!

I guess what i’m trying to say is all the negative bits over the last however long –

I want to forgive you – and I want to forget you..

You’re Dumped!

B x 

“Obese mannequins are selling women a dangerous lie or Nike’s ‘obese’ mannequins are inspirational” – Which side are you on?

What is even going on today?

Stop the world, I want to get off…

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Thats right, the first part of blog post title is word for word.. that’s one of the main stories in The Telegraph today.

Writer (I’m calling her a writer because she doesn’t deserve to be called a journalist – although I can think of relevant other names for her at this moment in time) Tanya Gold decided to write an article body shaming NIKE and their new sports range as the gym clothing is modelled on a Size 16 mannequin.

“I fear that the war on obesity is lost, or has even, as is fashionable, ceased to exist, for fear of upsetting people into an early grave. Nike Inc, the multinational company named after the Greek goddess of victory, has introduced plus-sized mannequins to its flagship store in London to “celebrate the diversity and inclusivity of sport”. They wear the famous Nike tick, which says: welcome to the mainstream.

Yet the new Nike mannequin is not size 12, which is healthy, or even 16 – a hefty weight, yes, but not one to kill a woman. She is immense, gargantuan, vast. She heaves with fat.

She is, in every measure, obese, and she is not readying herself for a run in her shiny Nike gear. She cannot run. She is, more likely, pre-diabetic and on her way to a hip replacement. What terrible cynicism is this on the part of Nike?”

I’m so confused by this? It’s hard enough to find gym clothes for myself that i’m comfortable in and my size varies from a UK size 6 to a UK size 10.. So hats off to NIKE for making sure there is something for everyone.. Right?

Well Tanya continues in her article by saying..

I would never want a woman to hate herself for what she finds in the looking-glass. But to have control over your body you must first know it; to be oblivious is not to be happy, unless you are a child. The fat-acceptance movement, which says that any weight is healthy if it is yours, is no friend to women, even if it does seem to have found a friend in Nike. It may, instead, kill them, and that is rather worse than feeling sad. Fat-acceptance is an artifice of denial – they are fat because they do not accept themselves – and a typically modern solution to a problem, if you are a narcissist. It says: there is no problem. Or if there is, it’s yours, not mine. As soothing as that may be to hear, your organs and your skeleton will not agree.”

Oh.. Some more from Tanya’s article..

The word “fat” should not be a slur. But it should be a warning. So, it worries me to see Nike, who promote athleticism, treating the obese model as potentially healthy in the cause of profit. It is as cruel as telling women that the child ballet dancer and the porn body are ideal. Where is the body shape between the tiny and the immense, which is where true health lives? Where is the ordinary, medium, contented woman? Where, oh where, is the middle ground?”

Hold on, Hold on, Hold on..

I’m confused.. if someone is going into NIKE (My Yoga pants were £48, they’re not going there to waste money) They’re going in for a reason. How exactly do you expect people to lose weight and work out without gym clothes? What do you want them to do? Work out at home? Hide away? Not work out? I’m confused, is anyone above a size 10 not allowed to wear gym clothes anymore? What is advertised on that model and mannequin is Gym Clothing.

So Tanya what exactly were you attempting to achieve from your article? Your body shaming women if they’re above a size 12, You’re having ago at NIKE and shaming them for finally having some Gym Clothing that can fit Plus sized people so they can go to the gym – be healthier and feel better about themselves and maybe even lose weight whilst they’re there.

All Tanya’s article has done is shown what a massive hypocrite she is – She is body and “fat” shaming larger women.. and also shaming a huge company for making sure that there is gym clothing that could help ALL women feel comfortable in the gym?

Find me any other brand that openly promotes sizes to fit all – and not just models that look like they’ve already lived in the gym for the last year or 2?

It’s a no win situation here..

I HATE going to the gym, I find it absolutely terrifying especially because it’s so easy to think that everyones looking at you even if they aren’t..

I’m so disappointed in Tanya’s article and even the fact that The Telegraph thought it was acceptable to post.. AND The fact it’s even written by a women, for some reason makes me even more annoyed and I find it even worse.

Body positivity is something I strongly believe in, maybe more than most as a someone recovering from an ED.

Plus it’s 2019 – We should be celebrating the beauty in everybody.

Here’s Tanya’s full article – https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/obese-mannequins-selling-women-dangerous-lie/

And heres Rebecca Reid’s article – a come back to Tanya’s and something that should actually be posted – https://www.telegraph.co.uk/women/life/exercise-isnt-just-thin-people-nikes-obese-mannequins-inspirational/?li_source=LI&li_medium=li-recommendation-widget 

What are your thoughts?

Bees xo 

I am unfortunately all Panic and no Disco..

I’ve said it before; and i’ll say it again.. Don’t treat yourself worse than you would treat a best friend.
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Long time no blog post right? Welcome back to my little corner of the internet.

Between work, illness, change (we all know I don’t like change) and just being ridiculously busy – It’s time for some “ME” time and some time to focus on myself and things i like doing – which is my blog.

Sometimes when people ask me what i’m doing today, on my day off and I reply “nothing” it doesn’t mean i’m free. It means i’m having a me day, and i’m doing nothing.

I’ve had a really rocky few months since Christmas with lots of huge changes and theres people i’m close to that have absolutely no idea and half of me likes it that way; the other half? I’m not so sure..
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I was sat in hospital on Wednesday having what felt like 5334 tests and thinking “Me a year ago would be sat here with my MacBook blogging. Not sitting here wasting my time scrolling through Instagram”.
As much as I LOVE Instagram I find myself wasting so much time on it watching things that are totally irrelevant that I won’t even remember in 24 hours. Plus it’s only natural to judge yourself when looking on instagram at all the “perfect profiles” which can sometimes make you feel worse than you already do..

Anyway, without getting even more sidetracked..

So!..Lets talk about ANXIETY.

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It’s 2019 and it feels as though every mum, dad, brother, sister, auntie, uncle, cousin thats been twice removed, dog, cat and tortoise has been “Diagnosed” with Anxiety.. But how many of them actually have?

Probably a lot.. Lets be honest. Things have changed from 5 years ago to now massively. You judge yourself every chance you get, more people are stressing at School, Uni and Work and Basically what is screwing us up the most is the picture in our head of how life is supposed to be.

Anxiety isn’t feeling a little nervous about something, or being a little worried.. Anxiety is simply.. Horrible.
Simply is definitely the wrong word to use here, as Anxiety is anything but simple..

When I was diagnosed with anxiety I laughed at my doctor. Me? The person that can stand in front of 2000 people on stage.. Anxious? Not a chance, it’s got to be something else.. Right?

Then the feelings came out more, the lack of sleep, the insomnia, I don’t think many people understand – You can be the most confident person in the world, but anxiety is still very real. Everyone has different ways of dealing with anxiety – I scratch my hand or fiddle with something like a bobble on my wrist or play with my hair.
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Anxiety is like a cycle –

  1. Anxious Mess
  2. Therapy and Self Care
  3. Hey! I’m feeling pretty okay actually!
  4. Wait, I’m feeling too good.. This is suspicious..
  5. Something terrible is going to happen.. Any. Minute. NOW..
  6. …And then we’re back to “Anxious Mess” at number one.
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Anxiety comes in so many different forms. Do you know if your closest friends and people you see daily have anxiety? It’s not just being a little nervous about something, it could be:

  • Cancelling plans at the last minute.
  • Believing they are a burden to everyone
  • Eating all the time or not at all
  • Mood swings that could last hours, or even days
  • Being emotionally distant
  • Constantly needing reassurance that they are still loved or haven’t “messed anything up”
  • Isolating themselves to protect others.
  • Frequent crying or melt downs
  • Having an outburst over something others may consider to be “small”.
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How can you recognise Anxiety in yourself? This can be really difficult but a few signs are:

  • Over thinking
  • avoidance
  • sweating
  • stomach issues
  • panic attacks
  • Needing reassurance
  • Procrastination
  • Trouble breathing
  • Headaches
  • Rapid heartbeat
  • Insomnia
  • Memory Issues

But more common signs of Anxiety could be – 

  • Feeling nervous, restless or tense
  • Having a sense of danger or panic
  • Having an increased heart rate
  • Breathing rapidly (hyperventilation)
  • Sweating
  • Trembling
  • Feeling weak or tired
  • Trouble concentrating or thinking about anything other than the present worry.
  • Having trouble sleeping
  • Having difficulty controlling worry
  • Having the urge to avoid things that trigger anxiety.

Plus did you know Several types of anxiety disorders exist? It isn’t that if you have anxiety, you’re the exact same as the girl down the street with it too. Theres so many different types..:

  • Agoraphobia
  • Anxiety disorder due to a medical condition
  • Generalized anxiety disorder
  • Panic disorder
  • Selective mutism
  • Separation anxiety disorder
  • Social anxiety disorder (social phobia)
  • Specific phobias
  • Substance-induced anxiety disorder
  • Other specified anxiety disorder and unspecified anxiety disorder

Enough with the bullet points.. RIGHT?! Well, Nearly!

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After Christmas and during Easter I was at my absolutely worst. Confused and pretty much lost, with a constant fear of getting replaced. I lost friends including one of my best friends and i’m pretty sure they have no idea. I guess thats life though isn’t it? You grow apart from people, it’s normal – but how normal is normal?
I hadn’t slept in 5 days, only got up for work and spent the rest of my time in bed or out keeping myself busy.  After getting to 7 days with 4 hours sleep I went back to the doctor about other health problems (again coming in a new post) and he re-diagnosed me with severe anxiety. Nothing had changed, not really? I’d dropped some people that were making no effort with me, realised other people weren’t worth my time and then realised that this was it – How could I spend time with people and like people if I didn’t even Like myself?

So last week, I threw myself into work, went for walks, put my phone down more, did things I wanted to do and it helped massively. I didn’t want any other medication that would make me feel like a zombie – everyone has ways of dealing with stuff and this wasn’t mine.

  • Exercise. Exercise is one of the most important things you can do to combat stress.
  • Get a diary.
  • Make a routine.
  • Consider Supplements.
  • Light a Candle.
  • Reduce Your Caffeine Intake.
  • Write It Down.
  • Chew Gum.
  • Spend Time With Friends and Family.
  • Laugh.
  • Cuddle.
  • Learn a New Hobby or Class.
  • Learn to avoid procrastination.
  • And what I think is most important, personally:
  • Learn to Say “NO!”

  • Not all stressors are within your control, but some are.
  • Take control over the parts of your life that you can change and are causing you stress or pain.
  • One way to do this may be to say “no” more often.
  • This is especially true if you find yourself taking on more than you can handle, as juggling too many responsibilities can leave you feeling overwhelmed.
  • Being selective about what you take on and reduce your stress levels.
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Heres a few of my favourite Instagram profiles when i’m having an off day –

@Wonderful_u 
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@Wonderful_u – Meg is amazing, she does daily stories on her instagram and involves her two puppies Rue and Murphie. She is always really positive and an amazing person to follow. She’s really down to earth and her instagram proves she’s a normal person not your usual Instagrammer that pretends to lead their perfect life too fool everyone. Meg is genuine and lovely.

@CGBlackburn
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@CGBlackburn – Chloe’s a make-up artist, I know right? Just hear me out – She’s not your usual instagram makeup artist – She’s amazing! Chloe runs events to help raise awareness for mental health. She’s constantly on instagram regardless of having a full time job as a MUA and is always so positive – plus she’s obsessed with Harry Potter… So thats always an extra winner right? She’s an amazing and down to earth person to follow.

@BeckyExcell 
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@BeckyExcell – Becky is a gluten free food blogger that creates recipes and loves to travel. There’s been a few times i’ve been too nervous to travel or even eat – and i’ve flicked through her instagram and it’s really helped!

@Alyserurianidesign
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@Alyserurianidesign – Someone else had posted Alyse’s designs from their own account so i’ve only just started to follow her personally pretty recently. She does drawings and illustrations for mental health awareness and her designs are amazing. Check her out!

These 4 won’t disappoint!

We’re coming to the end of the post now – so i’ll finally shut up – but honestly, If you’re feeling anxious go see a doctor, I learnt the hard way – This doesn’t make you weak this makes you stronger. And Sometimes, self-care is giving yourself permission to have a bad day.

And if the price is your health? Don’t do it. I learnt this the hard way too.

“Never give up on someone with a mental illness. When “I” Is replaced by “WE” Illness becomes Wellness. – Shannon L. Alder.

Here’s a question – have you checked in with your loved ones lately? 

Bees xo 

 

5 Things I’ve Learnt About Friendship.

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I make mistakes – I am not, and have never claimed to be the perfect friend or person.

This week I can openly admit i’ve ran away 150+ miles from confrontation, awkwardness and situations I simply do not want or wish to be in.

The last 12 months have pushed me beyond anything i’ve experienced before, with a change of jobs, health, personal reasons etc – and I can honestly say and I am sad to admit that i’ve let people down in that time. Some friendships have changed and become stronger, some have gone and won’t be returning and some probably could be fixed with effort from both parties.

Just before Christmas I left my job to start a new chapter and to work for myself full time & I joined another team in a similar industry to what my full time job was – but part time, and I honestly couldn’t be happier.

I now work for myself full time as a hairdresser, beautician and make-up artist. In January and over Christmas i was really scared about building a client base etc – but i’ve been so busy and i’m finally really enjoying myself and i keep asking myself why I didn’t do this sooner.

It’s crazy to say it, but in the last 2-3 months i’ve grown up more than i have in the last 6 years and i’ve realised a lot – and sadly some of the things i’ve realised falls under categories of losing friends and giving up on people – something i’ve always taken pride in myself on never doing before now.

Here’s 5 things i’ve learnt about friendship in the last few months. 

  1. Boundaries are important – I’ve realised more now than before, It’s okay to say no.
    Just because I have my kit with me – this doesn’t mean i want to cut your hair or do your brows unpaid after my dinner. Don’t get me wrong, theres exceptions (like my sister in law living 50+ miles away, I WANT to do her nails on a Sunday, or my mom needing a trim, or even my niece and nephews)  but everyone deserves a switch off time. How would you feel if I started asking you to work for free straight after a meal, or if i’ve come to your house to chill, or for a week away – and you’re diving into my kit to use it OR making me feel awkward for saying no to doing your make-up for you – It’s my job, it’s my trade – you don’t work 24 hours a day, so why should I?
  2. Trust and Competition –
    Trust – I wear my heart on my sleeve and I am very gullible – I will always trust someones intentions from the get go. Seeing the good in people makes me happy and for the most part it always ends up okay. However, on a fair few occasions, i’ve put my trust in the wrong people. Not everyone has as much honesty as you and failing to see this at the start does not make you a bad person – it makes you human. It can hurt to to realise someone isn’t in it for the same reasons you are,  but for me the answer will never be to put a wall up, it will be to learn that some people don’t have the same kind of heart as you do – and thats okay… but once the trust is gone, it could well be gone for good.
    Competition – Competition is healthy, bragging how much better your life is then your friends is not. Don’t be a dick – it really isn’t hard.
  3. The Unsaid will always be in the back of your mind – Blood really is thicker than water. You can think someone has your back and is out to help you, but when you leave or stop seeing these people, it’s very easy to see you were there for one reason and one reason only – because you were useful to them. Always remember 9/10 times you’re replaceable – so put yourself first. People will be your ‘best friend’ until you’re replaced or until they don’t need you anymore. 9/10 times people are out for themselves – as soon as they don’t need stuff that benefits them or free stuff from you – they’ll forget to invite you to things and use an excuse that it’s everyone else’s fault.. Bin these people.
  4. Learn to manage yourself – I am stubborn, Strong willed and i like to always be right – This doesn’t always go well and I can come across as a bitch. I’ve learnt to try to explain situations and hearing both sides before getting upset and going OTT on someone and hopefully we can find a middle ground. This doesn’t always work – sometimes it’s easier to walk away and ghost someone. This isn’t “childish” it’s thinking about the situation and giving it a few days. Sometimes this can hurt the other person even more – never ignore someone and make sure people know you’re here for them even when you’re ghosting them. No one deserves to be alone.
  5. Friendship is not about who you’ve known the longest. It’s about who walked into your life, said “I’m here for you” and proved it. – That explains itself really doesn’t it? I’ve got friends i’ve known my entire life that I wouldn’t replace for the world – and i’ve also got friends i’ve known a few months that are now more like family to me then friends i’ve been close to for 6+ years. It really is quality over quantity..

I never thought i’d say it, but sometimes new starts really are for the best. Theres no rule that says if you walk away from a friendship you’re a bad person – Friendships have ups and downs – life isn’t simple. We all do things we shouldn’t and we all wonder how things could have been better or gone differently. We don’t need to spend time day dreaming when actually, things could just be better right now. Friendships are born from so many different circumstances and they’re really not ALL meant to last – You deserve the happiness you want.

Bees xo 

What 2018 Taught Me.

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So! I’ve been here there and every everywhere in the last few months of 2018. I was changing jobs, building a hair and make-up studio, finally seeing my friends more and traveling at every opportunity I had (New York blog post coming soon).
I started a Vlog, My own business and got the all clear from a tumour on my Thyroid gland.

They’ll also be loads more blog posts this year – purely because i actually have the time now.

Although this all sounds positive, I learnt A LOT in 2018 and some of it is negative.

One of my best friends Beth has just started a blog herself and I couldn’t be more proud of her ( http://simplybeth99home.wordpress.com ) go take a look at her blog, her first blog is where i got the idea for this blog post from – and on a totally unbiased basis – she’s honestly amazing.

But yeah, sidetracking again – here’s 10 things 2018 taught me.

1. “Dear You, busy, weary, tired you. Please know that the world won’t stop spinning if you take a break.. It’s about finding a balance, a bit of give and take. 
You can’t move mountains every day, some days are just a little grey.
So, this is your reminder.. You can’t do it all – Please take a step back before you fall.”

After it taking so long to diagnose me with *graves disease* I spent my summer pretty down so chucked myself into my blog, numerous different jobs and work, purely to keep myself busy. I learnt slowly (and the hard way) that graves disease isn’t a joke – if I say i need a rest, it’s because I need a rest. If i admit i’m tired – I need to sleep.
– It’s okay to take a time out if you need it. Despite what anyone else says or how anyone else makes you feel.

*Graves Disease* – Hyperthyroidism or overactive thyroid, is a condition in  which an excessive amount of thyroid hormones are produced by the thyroid gland. A common cause of hyperthyroidism is Graves Disease, another problem that cannot be cured. If graves disease is not treated it can be fatal.

2. “2018 has taught me that you can’t control someones loyalty. No matter how good you are to them, doesn’t mean they’ll treat you the same. No matter how much they mean to you, doesn’t mean they’ll value you the same. Sometimes the people you love the most, turn out to be the people you can trust the least.”

And ain’t that the truth! – Someone can make out they’re all about you until they no longer need you – and that’s when true colours come out. I learnt this the hard way and i’d love to say i’ve learnt my lesson but i’m a very gullible human being..

3. You WILL Compare yourself to others on social media. 

I may not be the skinniest, I may not be the most tanned, or have the best skin or be the best looking – But thats okay.

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4. Work can’t always come first.

It’s so easy to get into a routine of work, home, work, bed. It gets to a point where you can so easily forget to eat and have a life outside of work, and thats exactly what happened to me.
Now I have my studio and i’m working 1 night a week and it’s so much less pressure & i get to see my friends and family so much more.

5. Stay away from negative people. 

It’s a lot easier said than done. But if someones bitching about someone to you, then what are they saying about you to them? There’s only so much negativity you can take before you turn into a negative person yourself – No one needs that, and nothing is worth that – No matter how much you love something.

6. For god sake girl, EAT!

Getting over the same eating disorder yet again was another positive thing of 2018. I totally lost myself as it was the only thing I had control over.
Eating is SO important along with having a balanced diet – without that you can feel so down and drained. Eat some veg, drink some water and eat a chocolate bar bigger than your head. Take the stairs instead of the lift and just be happy – enjoy it.

7. Your true friends will ALWAYS have your back, no matter where you are or how long its been since you last saw them.

You need friends that will defend you in a room when someone speaks bad about you, without you being there. You need friends that are more like family. You don’t need to see these friends a lot, but you know if you need them – they’re there.

8. Even the most confident of people need help sometimes. 

Put me in a club, in front of 2000 people and I can cope, put me one to one with someone and the panic hits. I come across to some people as one of the most confident people you could meet – but i’m also one of the most anxious people you could ever meet. Never judge a book by its cover..

9. It’s OKAY to ask for help. 

If you’re struggling or need help with something, or if you just need a push in the right direction, it’s always okay to ask for help. Even if the person you need help from is the busiest person on the planet – if they’re a half decent human being, they’ll always find time for you. People you have known 5 minutes can be more loyal than people you’ve known for years.

10. I am so much stronger than I have ever given myself credit for. 

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2018 helped me grow, 2019 is my year…With A LOT more pizza. 

Bees xo 

Am I Invisible? Nah, that’s just my illness..

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Am I invisible?
Nah, that’s just my illness..

“Definition of invisible. plural invisibles. : an invisible person or thing : someone or something that cannot be seen or perceived.”

I’ve been around but not around at the same time. I’m massively behind with my blog too! So here’s a little update on where i’ve been..

and SHOCK, it’s all down to my abnormal immune system..

For the last 12 months i’ve felt ill on and off, but explaining it was near enough impossible. I went to and from the doctors and GP and was always told i just had low iron levels and that i was anaemic.

About 16 weeks ago enough was enough and there i was, back at the doctors surgery, refusing to see anyone but Dr T. He’s in charge of the entire surgery. My theory was, if he couldn’t work out what was wrong with me, thats it, it was all in my head after all and really it IS just low iron and i’d just need some stronger iron tablets.

My appointment was already 25 minutes late, so in that 25 minutes i was just doubting myself over and over again and worrying if i was wasting the NHS’ time.. Yet deep down I KNEW there was something wrong.. but i couldn’t understand why nobody would listen, or help me.

I got to the point where unless i was with Dan, or going to 2 of the venues we work with, or to work I couldn’t leave the house. I was repeatedly seeking approval on how i looked, if i could leave the house like this, sending photos of outfits to people, or asking my mum repeatedly before i left the house. It got to the point that I knew every single weekend that Dan came to see me, I wouldn’t be 100%, i’d plan stuff and get SO excited to do it, but when it came down to it, I just felt too out of it. I also got to the point where I truly believed he’d be better without me and the anxiety of that was over whelming..

As soon as i was in the car, I was fine but the nervousness, anxiety and irritability was way too much. I was SO tired, yet couldn’t sleep. My legs would go dead, my heart would race and I was just constantly weak.. Yet put me into work, watch me at work and i was fine. I could be around 1000+ people at a time – I just couldn’t be with 2/3, the nerves took over.

When I woke up in the mornings, I wouldn’t have fallen asleep till 5/6am, work or not yet i’d be waking up before my alarm at 8am instead of 9am / 10am.

Was I just over tired? Dehydrated?
Every time I put on some weight and began to look normal, i’d lose it the week after. It wouldn’t be a small amount either, it would be a stone off and off, week by week. I knew this wasn’t healthy… but I was at my wits end.

Finally, it was my appointment time, I went into the GP room and I broke down to the GP, convinced I was crazy. He gave me endless tissues, told me his room was always open and booked me in for blood tests the very next day.

I had my blood tests, they took what I thought was a lot of blood, and I passed out.

I woke up, went to work and pretended everything was normal.

The following day, at 9am I got a phone call back from my Dr and was asked to come to the GP surgery. I hadn’t got in from work until 3am, didn’t sleep till 7 and I was told I wouldn’t get results for a week. Yet, here i am, walking to an emergency appointment the day after, less than 24 hours after..

As I arrived the doctor was there to meet me and we walked straight into his room. He started listing off symptoms and I was verbally ticking them off.. Everything seemed like it was starting to make sense :

  • nervousness, anxiety and irritability.
  • mood swings.
  • difficulty sleeping.
  • persistent tiredness and weakness.
  • sensitivity to heat.
  • swelling in your neck from an enlarged thyroid gland (goitrte)
  • an irregular and/or unusually fast heart rate (palpitations)

Finally – he knew what was wrong with me and again (shock) I broke down in tears. It turns out i wasn’t losing my mind, i wasn’t crazy, there has been something wrong with me!

He diagnosed me with a VERY Over Active Thyroid. He was shocked it had been left this long and tests weren’t done before. He’d also tested my liver levels to check which medication I was okay with. He gave me a prescription and off I went..

He’d booked me into various appoints at the Leicester Royal Infirmary in the Endocrinology department.

Sounding good right?

Nah! 

So far we’re around 3 months in of medication – my medication is being added too every other week and the MG’s i’m on is going up and up..

I’m currently meant to be finally in my appointment next Friday, then we’ll talk about Radiotherapy and Graves disease – I’m crossing my fingers this appointment doesn’t get cancelled too..

I guess the moral of this post is to say, YOU know your body and YOU know when you’re not feeling right. So listen to yourself and push, push, push as much as you can, until you finally get an answer.

I’ve got half my answer and i’m still waiting – I guess i’m happy to know it wasn’t all in my head though.

This isn’t a dig at the NHS either, they’re amazing and they do amazing things, just sometimes things clearly get missed.

Now i’m ready to plan summer with my favourite humans and puppy dog and make the most of it.

Invisible illness’ are just as important as visible ones.. Sometimes they’re just harder to explain.. 

Bees xo